Monday, February 13, 2012
 

Last night I dreamt of him.

Had not dreamt of him for a long, long time.

I was in my room, asleep and yet I heard his voice. Woke up from sleep, groggily stumbling to the hall, saying this is impossible, but his voice...it is his...I would know it anywhere. Even tho my heart said that it is impossible, but I still searched for him. And then, in my dream...I remember, that he was already gone. I woke up, with silent tears down my cheeks and a heavy feeling in my heart.

Apparently deep, deep down, I still miss him.

I would trade everything just to see him again, the way he used to be. The way his eyes light up when he used to look at me...as if I am his little angel, as if I am his whole world.

All the good times that we had, are suddenly magnified. All the bad times, the quarrel and the hatred were......gone. I want to remember him the way he used to be, larger than life and suffused with life itself. Oh, I miss him so much.

In my blog, at one time I remember dedicating Kate Winslet's song, "What If" to him. Until now, this song reminds me of him.

"What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know"

It is true that love and hate is only different sides of a coin. I still hate him for all the anguish that he had caused and all the pain that he had inflicted. But i guess, I do and still love him more than I myself can and will ever acknowledge.


Semuga Allah merahmatimu sentiasa.
 

3 Comments:

Hello.
I have just read ur entry
And, i feel that it's same with me
My heart broke twice ... so i know part of what happened in ur mind. I hope you will be stronger to change ur feeling and have a happy life with a real boy given to you.
I'm Vietnamese so my English isn't good.
:) Hope you can know what i wrote.

By Blogger Jenny Lombard, at 11:43 PM  

Thanx Jenny.

I had a rocky relationship with my father.

He is not a bad person, just a bit hard to understand. Both of us are too much alike, hot headed and also I am too young at the time to step back during our quarrels...

He died a year before my marriage. Sometimes, when looking at my son, I saw flashes of him. Wish he is here, I know he will be crazy abt my little boy.

May God bless him.

And Jenny, may both of us be strong enough to face life as it is. :)

By Blogger Azrina, at 10:21 PM  

Now, let's change for a better life
Can I believe in you? - Surely :)

By Blogger Jenny Lombard, at 9:35 AM  

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The race of man shall perish, but the eyes
Of trilobytes eternal in stone,
And seem to stare about in mild surprise
At changes greater than they have yet known.
- T.A. Conrad


To see a world in a grain of sand,
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- William Blake,
excerp from Auguries of Innocence.

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