Monday, May 04, 2009
  A few doctor jokes for Monday

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress,and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! The instructions now include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk,VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty
years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis, OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste" the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass "
Once the surgery was completed,the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said,"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

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The race of man shall perish, but the eyes
Of trilobytes eternal in stone,
And seem to stare about in mild surprise
At changes greater than they have yet known.
- T.A. Conrad


To see a world in a grain of sand,
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Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
- William Blake,
excerp from Auguries of Innocence.

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